Dickie & 'bert

VP Cheney and Atty Gen Gonzales off to New Orleans.

Whaddya think Dick?
I think we need to pull Halliburton outta Iraq pronto and bring them home - priorities. Whats your take 'bert?
After review of this 1838 local Town of New Orleans statute regarding slave property, I think we can legally forcibly remove all residents from their homes and detain them indefinitely in the Houston Astrodome and charge it to the taxpayers.
Ummm, 'bert, were in Gulfport Mississippi.
Legal precedent, Dick, precedent.
Mmm, presidential authority, that may work - Let me call Kellogg, Brown & Root - I think there is some room for no-bid contracts here.
Precedent, Dick not President.
Sorry 'bert, no habla, can never understand anything you BROWN people say.
Whachew say to me, Dick, you friggin' low talker?

Senor Dickie?
Yes, 'bert.
We've got a problem. The Supreme Court has informed me the local statute cant be used. It appears some amendment in 1865 was enacted, 13th or 14th, Im not sure which. Anyway, looks like we may not be able to forcibly remove people legally from their homes afterall, we certainly cant detain them indefinitely as planned.
No problemo, 'bert. Presidential authority, not precedent in this case. The President has asked the Congress to appropriate the funds to give $2,000 debit cards to all the refugees, err victims, err blackies, err people of color to empower them and let them spend it the way they want. They will never even notice being removed.
$2,000! That seems like a lot of dinero. You think they wont even notice, huh? And dont think I didnt catch that "people of color" remark. Need I remind you that black is the absence of color, amigo?
Si, and white is all colors combined. Dont sweat the cash amount, the debit cards only work at the Halliburton store were setting up in the dome parking lot.
So the people of color will be getting the dinero after all. Youre tricky, dickie.
Sh, sh, sh! Here comes Ranty Pelosi. Excuse me, do I know you?
That line may have worked in 2000, Mr. Chainnnny, but it doesnt work today. I have nothing to say to you, not a thing, nuth-thing! What the hell are you doing here, gloating? You people in the White House have no idea what a disaster you created here and now youre down here why? The people are suffering, theres nothing left to salvage and the drinking water is contaminated with sewage and oil!
Ms. Pelosi, is it? Did you say oil? Weve addressed the oil issue. Weve attended to the refining facilities, and got them back online at about 60% and should have them up above 90% by weeks end. The production end is a little trickier, but trust me we are doing everything we possibly can to get the production facilities back on line at full production rates. It may cost the taxpayers billions but we will rebuild.
I have nothing to say to you, nuth-thing!
Dickie, I think Ive solved the removal and detention issue. Weve requested the Mexican army to come up and "extract" the remaining holdouts and convoy them across the border in tractor trailers. It appears there are no items in the constitution restricting foreign military forces from entering the country and "assisting" in this matter. The key is they must be invited.
Mmmmm, good work 'bert. Im going to place a call to Egypt and Pakistan to see if they can assist as well.

Mr. Vice President, Shephard Smith Fox News. Ranty Pelosi has been shouting from the hilltops the presidential commission to investigate the Katrina response is ridiculous and democrats wont participate. She claims its like having the fox investigate where the hens went. Can you comment on this.
Mmmm, Shephard, is it? I spoke to Bill Frist in detail about the commission and I think its important for a bipartisan committee of republicans and if necessary democrats get together to investigate. It brings me back to my days representing Wyoming when i was part of the bi-partisan commission investigating Iran-Contra.
Ringggggg!
Hold on - Shepherd, right? Hello.
Hello?
Hello, who is it?
Hello?
Mr. President? Is that you?
Im sorry, Dick is not here, he's touring the gulf.
Mr. President, its Dick.
Oh, Dick. Hows the golf?
Mr. President, you called me, and Im not golfing if anybody asks.
Golf, gulf, whatever. I just needed to know when I can finish my vacation. I still have 2 days left you know.
Yes, Mr. President, I know. I think you need to wait another week or two. We still have problems here.
With the golf or the gulf, heh, heh?
Mr. President, there are still people suffering, homeless and New Orleans is the largest cesspool on the globe.
Well Dick, my mum says these people are better off now anyway, so whose complaining.
Mr. President, I think we may need to move up your vacation.

I'm Wolf Blitzer and this is THE Situation Room. Today we have several stories to attend to including exclusive interviews with Vice President Dick Cheney, Undersecretary Michael Brown and representatives of the "Black Caucus" as well as our normal coverage of the Katrina rescue and relief efforts including live coverage with our on-site reporter Wassa Plondie.

This is The Situation Room. Boo-badda-boop-badda-beep. Katrina rescue and Relief for 1000. We go live to Wassa Plondie. Wassa Plondie?
Hello Wolf, we have live coverage at the convention center in New Orleans where the last of the refugees are waiting to be transported.
Wassa, you seem very far from the convention center, how can you be sure there are refugees left. Wolf, FEMA and representatives from Blackwater security have asked us to station ourselves 1500 yards from the convention center at the FoxNews pavillion due to anticipated outbreaks of violence.
1500 yards?
Yes, Wolf, Blackwater informed us this is the minimum safe distance from being fired upon by individuals without scoped rifles.
Well Wassa, can you tell us anything from your location.
Absolutely, Wolf, FoxNews has really provided a spread here. Today they have a fresh seafood buffet, imported of course, since the local fishing has been decimated by the storm or polluted severely by the subsequent flooding of New Orleans.
Sounds charming, Wassa, but the local temperatures have been extraordinarily uncomfortable.
Well Wolf, the Pavillion is environmentally controlled and there appears to be plenty of alchoholic and non-alchoholic beverages available provided by FEMA.
Well Wassa, it appears the Convention Center is one location FEMA appears to have prepared for and responded to. That was Wassa Plondie live from the New Orleans Convention Center. Now lets return to THE Situation Room.Beep-badda-Boop-Badda-Boop.

The Black Caucus. We are graced tonite by the presence of Representatives John Conyers, Stephanie Tubbs Jones and Barak Obama as well as a special guest Reverend Jesse Jackson. Gentle lady and men, welcome to THE Situation Room. May I first ask for you to respond to the criticism being made of your take on the Bush Administration response to Katrina, ladies first, Miss Jones...
Wolf, it is quite evident that the Bush Administration has no consideration for the plight of Black America. If this disaster were Daytona Beach, Florida or San Padre Island, Texas there would have been an immediate evacuation of all remaining white residents.
Mr. Conyers?
We need an investigation Mr. Blitzer. An investigation similar to the 9-1-1 commission to evaluate where the Bush Administration went wrong in preparing and responding to the needs of Black hurricaine victims.
Rep. Obama...
This is not about black and white, Wolf. It is all grey. This is not about color, FEMA is color blind. This is about the ineptitude of FEMA.
Reverend Jackson...
If you were white...you took flight...if you were black... you were gator snack...Mr. Bush was in no rush...Mr. Brown, he let us down...
Well, in the interest of time weve decided to have Undersecretary Brown and VP Cheney join our discussion. Mr. Brown are you there?
"Wasting away again in Margaritaville...hi, wolf - havent felt this relaxed since the end of August.
You mean before Katrina, Mr. Brown?
Well, yes and the two days after as well, things kinda went to hell in a handbasket on Day Three.
Are you with us Mr. Vice President?
Yes - yes -yes -yes, wolf is it-it-it-it?
Mr. Vice President there appears to be a bad connection, there is an awful echo on the line.
No, thats pretty much normal here, let me step into the soundproof room-room-room.
Mr. Vice President, are you back in Washington.
Mmmmmm, yes I am, wolf isnt it?, we take the precaution since 9/11 to work out of the bunker system here in this undisclosed location in the event of another terrorist attack.
Mr. Vice President, we are discussing the federal response to Katrina with our guests, can you provide us with some insight.
Well, mmmm, uh-huh, its wolf?...we were able to provide an immediate response to the needs of the people of Louisiana and Mississippi with all the available men, women and equipment at our disposal... as you know we need to keep several brigades handy in the event we have a terrorist attack - a mushroom cloud would be far more difficult to respond to than a mere rainstorm.
Did you forget the Black people of Alabama?
Im sorry Miss, I dont know you.
That would be Representaive Tubbs-Jones of Ohio Mr. Vice President.
Well, mmmm, as you know we dispatched thousands of national guardsman from Alabama to assist in the efforts and the Navy is responding as we speak.
What about an investigation similar to the 9/11 commis...
Yes, Yes, yes, we have discussed that with the president and he will be heading up a complete investigation.
Respectively, Mr. Vice President, we would prefer a commission independent of the White House.
Mr. 'bama, you I know, Ive had my eye on you... we need to have you up to the White House to discuss your future.
Mr. Cheney, an independent commission.
Of course, of course, as you know Ive served on independent commissions and my expectation is this one will be independent as well.
The truth shall set us free.
Fr. Jackson, isnt it?...yes, yes - truth.
Thats Reverend Jackson if you please.
Mmmmmmph, OK padre.
The qestions still remains...will you rebuild with local men and women of color or let halliburton take the reigns? 100 billion dollars for the people of the south or 100 billion for the carpetbaggers from the north? Will you bring John Henry or just another uncle Tom?
Mmmmm, Id like to point out Padre that just today we rescinded The Davis-Bacon Act of 1931 to ensure we are able to hire as many local laborers as possible on the federal rebuilding projects, Wolf?
Well thats all the time we have .... Im Wolf Blitzer and this is THE Situation Room.