Dickie & 'bert

Excerpt from the new hit satire, "The Path to Iraq" on WBC this Fall:

January 2003. Langley, Virginia.

Dickie: You've had fifteen months... whatya got for me?
Analyst #1: Well, sir, not really much at all. It seems Saddam has been telling the truth about his programs all along.
Dickie: You said "not really much".... mmmmer... what DO you have?
Analyst #1: Well, State informed us that Energy debunked our aluminum tubes assessment.
Dickie: Did they say WHAT those tubes could be used for?
Analyst #1: Well, no ... they just said...
Dickie: Well, certainly those tubes cant be used for anything else? That's YOUR conclusion, right?
Analyst #1: Uh-h... yes, of course Mr. Vice President...
Dickie: Now, you must have more than that in fifteen months, yes?
Analyst #1: Charlie, what else we have in NFUN?
Dickie: End Fund?
Analyst #2: We have that uranium-Niger doc...
Dickie: That's more like it ... End Fund?
Analyst #1 N-F-U-N ... No Follow Up Necessary... It's a contract between Niger and Iraq for the sale of 500 tons of yellowcake ... but, Joe Wilson went out there last year and found nothing and French Intel found out the document was forged by the agents they hired ...
Dickie: Joe who? Why does that name sound familiar?
Analyst #1: It should ... Former Ambassador to Nigeria... Deputy Chief of the Mission in Baghdad during the Gulf War ... He's been around ...
Dickie: Mmmmmph ... I'm certain I dont know him, now... and this cover from MI6?
Analyst #1: Brit Intel sent this along to us with a dossier referred to as the "white paper" detailing Iraq as an imminent threat with nuclear ambitions and capabilities...
Dickie: White Paper, eh? So we could say "The British Government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa" ...
Analyst #1: That's kind of a stretch ...
Dickie: A stretch? Seems iron-clad to me ... wouldn't you agree, white paper and all?
Analyst #2: White paper ... tell him where they got that ...
Analyst #1: British humor ... the white paper in essence is blank ... even if Iraqi agents went to Niger to acquire yellow cake, there is no authentic documents revealing that they purchased it let alone received a shipment...
Dickie: Has the president seen this?
Analyst #1: Never went up the chain... NFUN on arrival...
Dickie: Then it doesnt change the fact that "The British Government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa" ... does it?
Analyst #1: hmmmm... I see...
Dickie: Anything else?
Analyst #2: Well if we can use white paper ... I have references here to Al Qeada members in Iraq ...
Analyst #1: Zarqawi? That nut wants Saddam out more than we do ...
Dickie: mmmmph... So Iraq is harboring Al Qeada members?
Analyst #1: Harboring? Guy was hiding right under Saddam's nose .. he received medical treatment in Baghdad.
Dickie: and safe haven ...
Analyst #2: Then I guess these mobile hydrogen trailers can be classified as "bilogical weapons facilities"?
Analyst #1: and Curveball gave us a lead to the scientist with centrifuge parts buried in his backyard since '90.
Dickie: Gentlemen, keep up the good work...and mmm-err .... welcome to the dark side.

Pssssssssst (vacuum seal)
'bert: Senor Dickie, Senor Dickie... Senor Dickay notified the press as you requested.
Dickie: Well, well, well ... let's see ole Paddy swallow that one. Scooter? You can come out now...
Scooter: (on cell) No, Mr. Fitzgerald... Whatever you say, sir ... Sure, I will keep you informed...
Dickie: Scooter... come out here right now... am I going to have to shut your service off again?
Scooter: No, no, Mr. Vice President. Just smoothing things out with the special prosecutor.
Dickie: And? Will he drop this silly witch hunt?
Scooter: Well, no ... Im still looking at obstruction charges and he says his investigation is ongoing. It seems Mr. Armitage had no knowledge of Plame's covert status so he's off the hook.
Dickie: Well, no fears .. mmm-err ... buck up ... now that's over we can...
Scooter: There is that phone call from State to 'bert, he's questioning...
Dickie: 'bert?!
'bert: Es nuthing, Senor Dickie ... Taft called to say they have some info on da leak but thazzit.
Dickie: That's it? Did Taft know that you knew...
'bert: I no think so... How could he? Senor Colon called just before Taft and tole us it was Senor Dickay. No, he could na know.
Dickie: Okay... I think that's over...
Scooter: Well, maybe...
Dickie: mmmmm... spit it out Scooter...
Scooter: Well, if Mr. Armitage had no knowledge and revealed only that the CIA rep that dispatched Mr. Wilson to Niger was his wife ... Valerie Plame ... without making reference to her covert status ...
Dickie: mmmph... go on...
Scooter: ... and Mr. Novak requested Mr. Rove and myself to confirm the story, which we did and we had knowledge of Ms. Plame's status ... one could argue we broke the law. One would also question when we knew about the whole affair, how we found out about Plame and why we confirmed Novak's story knowing Ms. Plame was covert...
Dickie: 'bert ... call FOX ... I want that cop killer in New York on 24/7... Karl ... Call Iger ... Path to 9/11 goes into full swing ...mmmmerr... press release, sneak peeks, the whole ten yards... Scooter ... call Pat Roberts .... mmmph ... release that Senate report and say its nothing new ... then call Tony Snow and tell him to say it's nothing new ...then call Hannity and say its nothing new... Karl ... when your off with Bobbie, call Powell and tell him to blame me for everything ... he never liked me anyway so he can save some face and still look loyal to the President...
Rove: Hang on Bobbie... wont take my calls anymore ... now Bobbie...
Dickie: 'bert?
'bert: Jew kidding?
Dickie: Then call Armitage and have him call Powell. He still likes him, yes?
'bert: Si ... Senor Colon will do aneetin for Senor Dickay...
Dickie: Okay ... now, who's working on the Cantwell case?