Dickie & 'bert

[vacuum seal release]
'bert: Senor Dickie! Senor Dickie!
Dickie: Yes, 'bert...
'bert: Senor Fitzgerald has announced he will be meeting with de grand jury tomorrow to seek indictments. He will be contacting "targets" as early as today...
[vacuum seal enagages]
Dickie: Scooter, put on the news...
Libby: We're watching the news...
Dickie: Scooter... your watching Fox... please...
[tv stations flash across the screen]
Dickie: Hold it! Go Back!

CSPAN2
MR. McCLELLAN: The President has already -- there are a couple of directions that he gave, and one of the directions was that we do not torture, and that applies to the entire United States government.
Go ahead, Peter.
Q Scott, just to try to put a finer point on it, is what you were trying to signal in a couple of your earlier responses is that, perhaps, your -- as you wait to see where this CIA leak investigation is going, are you waiting to see if you were dealt truthfully -- dealt with truthfully?
MR. McCLELLAN: Well, I'm just saying what I said earlier. There are a lot of facts that I don't know, and the special prosecutor is looking into all these matters. There are facts the President does not know. And let's let him complete his work.

Dickie: Shit! [clicks on head set]
Scotty, take a deep breath...

Q So at this point, you can tell us that you don't know for a fact that you were dealt with truthfully when you came out here in October --

Dickie: I'm just not going to comment any further...

MR. McCLELLAN: I'm just not going to comment any further, thanks.

Q Scott, you said several times that we should wait and see what facts the prosecutor develops. Is the White House expecting to get a report on what the prosecutor determines? Should the public assume that those facts will come out?

Dickie: Its up to the special prosecutor to determine how to proceed. What we have done is work to support his investigation, and thats what we will continue to do, at the direction of the president.

MR. McCLELLAN: I talked about that last week. It's up to the special prosecutor to determine how to proceed. What we have done is work to support his investigation, and that's what we will continue to do, at the direction of the President.

Q You were talking about the support for terrorists -- Iraqi insurgency. But how about the government of Iran and its interference to Iraq?

Dickie: [clicks off headset]Karl?... Karl?...... Karl!
Rove: I... I ... dont recall...
Dickie: Get a hold of yourself, man! I need your head in the game! You think Scotty and the President can go out there alone? C'mon, get a hold of yourself!
Rove: I ... I ...I...
Dickie: Karl!
Rove: Yes, yes ... yes... OK, Im OK... where was I?... Oh ... Here I am....
Dickie: OK. Lets get this thing back on track. Karl, keep an eye on Scotty. Scooter, get me an update on Fitzgerald, hows that background check coming? 'bert?
'bert: Yes, Senor Dickie?
Dickie: How much paper we have in that yellow cake file?
'bert: Ohhhhhh, Senor Dickie, a whole room full...
Dickie: Contact Fitzgerald and let him know you "found" some additional documents and send the WHOLE room-full to his office. Make sure it is "properly redacted" and let his staff know it still needs to be declassified...
'bert: Bueno, Senor Dickie... you should have been an attorney... But, I do na think dis will stop Senor Fitzgerald from issuing indictments...
Dickie: mmmmmmph, indictments... any idea how many?
'bert: Yo no se... but, I havent seen this many ham sandwiches in Washington since Senora Laura had that tea party with the "Working Christian Moms of Iraq Veterans for Education".
Dickie: mmmm, those were tasty... Scooter, what's the word on Liddy?
Libby: G had some "friends" of the Wilsons contact Mr. Fitzgerald, yesterday...
Dickie: and...?
Libby: Fitzgerald said he needed to verify whether Ms. Plame was "open with friends" about her employment and employer...
[knock, knock, knock,]
Fitzgerald: Rove? Libby? I know youre in there! Open up!
Rove: [high pitched] No one's home, come back later...
Fitzgerald: C'mon Rove, I know thats you...
Rove: [high pitched] No... there's no one here by that name... Im not allowed to open the door for strangers...
Fitzgerald: You guys cant live in there forever! I am going to wait right here until you open the door...
Dickie: He's right, we only have enough food and water for 300 years...
[vacuum seal release]
Dickie: Can I help you?
Fitzgerald: Mr. Vice President, Im glad your here...
Dickie: Im sorry, do I know you? You obviously know me...
Fitzgerald: Damnit! You know why Im here! Let me in...
Dickie: Please place the papers in your hand and the briefcase on the small table there behind you...
Fitzgerald: But... Damnit!... Have it your way...
Dickie: Please empty your pockets...
Fitzgerald: Here... See? Nothing... No subpeonas, no indictments, nothing...
Dickie: OK ... please proceed...
Fitzgerald: Thank you... Ahh, Attorney General Gonzalez, Mr. Libby, Mr. Rove.... Damn, Karl, you look like shit...
[vacuum seal engagement]
Dickie: And you are?
Fitzgerald: Damnit, you know who I am...
'bert: Senor Fitzgerald, welcome, what a surprise! May I ask is this business? Can I get you something to drink?
Fitzgerald: You know why Im here... But, HE made me leave it in the hall...
'bert: Ahhhh, properly served papers...
Fitzgerald: Damnit, theyre just indictments, for god's sake, a ham san-
Dickie: Yes, yes... weve heard that before...but, what we need to know is the who and the what did they do?
Fitzgerald: Well, after that memo got leaked...
Dickie: Memo?
Fitzgerald: Yes, yes, the memo... You got Wilson's name from Tenet and you passed it onto Libby...
Dickie: Wilson? Is this significant? Who's this Wilson?
Fitzgerald: Joe Wilson! Valerie Plame's husband!
Dickie: Joe Wilson? I dont know of any Joe Wilson...
Fitzgerald: Mr. Joseph Wilson... yellow cake... Niger... Novak?
Dickie: I dont think I know him ... Ive certainly never met him...
Fitzgerald: Joe Wilson, former ambassador to Iraq? The first Gulf War?
Dickie: Joey? Youre not talking about Joey... Geez, he got stuck in Iraq during the War, really helped to get Americans and foreigners out during those crazy days...
Fitzgerald: Thats him, Joseph Wilson... Valerie Plame's husband...
Dickie: Like I said, I never actually met him before...
Fitzgerald: Thats it! Im getting my briefcase and Im levelling all of you with indictments... Mr. Gonzalez, youre a witness...
[vacuum seal release]
[briefcase clicks papers shuffle]
Dickie: 'bert?
[vacuum seal engages]
Fitzgerald: Damnit, this isnt funny!

Soledad O'brien: Good Morning America! Soledad O'brien here flying solo. Miles is in Florida braving Hurricaine Wilma with Anderson Cooper. Lets go live to Everglade City... Miles?
Miles: Good Morning America! Im here with Anderson Cooper and I am simply in awe of the power of this hurricaine. After making landfall this morning as a Category 3, Wilma is now packing winds of over 100 miles per hour...
Anderson: Wow!
Soledad: There are reports that many of the residents did not evacuate.
Miles: That's right! Many underestimated the intensity of the storm. If we just pan the camera over, you can see the strength of the wind, there are white caps right on the hotel pool.
Anderson: Im simply amazed!! Ive never seen anything like this in all my life!!!
Miles: The wind is howling so loudly, I cant hear a thing Anderson is saying!
Anderson: Wow!
Miles: There is actually sand from the nearby beach on the 3rd floor deck of the hotel.
Anderson: Just amazing!
Soledad: There are reports that 300, 000 have lost power throughout the state...
Anderson: My god...
Soledad: and hundreds have lost cable...
Anderson: Oh, dear god! Where is FEMA?!?
Soledad: Reports have indicated FEMA, the National Guard and local authorities are riding out the storm and ready to roll... but, lets let Governor Bush explain, we have him via satellite...
Jeb: Good Morning America! I just want everyone to know we have everything under control. We have coordinated with the federal govt and have ice and water ready to be transported as soon as the storm clears. We just ask everyone to remain in their homes until further notice...
Soledad: Governor Bush... we've heard that there has been unprecedented coordination of relief efforts in response to Wilma. This is a stark difference from the response in the Gulf Coast...
Jeb: Well. I cant take credit for the President's work. He's right here with me, I will let him answer.
George: Hello?
Soledad: Mr. President?
George: I am the President last time I checked, heh, heh...
Soledad: Mr. President, I wasnt aware you were in Florida with the Governor...
George: Florida? Hell no, were in Crawford. A little family get together...
Soledad: I , err, see.. Mr. President, I asked Governor Bush about the unprecedented coordination compared to Katrina...
George: Fool me once, heh, heh... Ya know, we werent going to let the people of Florida suffer, we have allocated 38,000 National Guardsman, the Army Corps of Engineers and Ive just signed a check for emergency funding of $500 billion to the state of Florida for the recovery efforts. Ive also authorized increasing the credit lines for FEMA personnel from the lowered rate of $25,000 back to the Katrina level of $250,000. Last thing we need are delays...
Soledad: But, Mr. President, we are now hearing that although the storm was more powerful than anticipated, the damage will not be significant.
George: Its the unseen damage we are preparing for... God willing, we will bring sunshine back to the sunshine state. The people will be under great stress after the storm, they need our help.
Soledad: ... and the preparedness?
George: As you know, Chekoff has taken a "personal" (both hands held up and moving 2 fingers of each hand up and down) initiative on natural disasters since Brownie resigned. Chekoff wanted to make sure we didnt repeat any of Brownie's miscalculations.
Miles: The wind is picking up again... A satelite dish is beginning to shimmy on the residence next to us.
Anderson: Oh my god! Is there no end to this wrath?!
Soledad: Is that bicyclists on the road behind you?
Miles: Yes, and as you can see the wind is so powerful its blown the hat right off the rear cyclists head.
Anderson: I dont know if I should say "wow" or "my god"...
Soledad: Mr. President? Mr. President... We've lost the President...
Anderson: My god! The President is lost? What will we do...
Soledad: We are on a hard break and will need to check in with Miles and Anderson after the rest of the news ... this is Soledad O'brien from Good Morning America!

[Echoing footsteps]
[A knock]
Who's there?
Senor Scooter, its me 'bert...
[buzzing... vaccum seal release]
Libby: Aaaah, Senor Gonzalez, so glad you could join us... something to drink?
[more buzzing... vacuum seal engagement]
'bert: No, gracias, maybe some frutas...
Libby: The vice president and Mr. Rove are waiting...
Dickie: mmmmmm, 'bert, please sit down, lets get down to business. What's this so-called "CIA leak probe" I keep hearing reference to?
'bert: Senor Dickie?
Dickie: This leak... this investigation... what is it?
'bert: Senor Dickie, you remember... the jello cake, Senor Jose, Senora Plame. I needed to recluse myself from the investigation and jue directed me to contact Senor Fitzgerald... You said everything would be alright.
Dickie: mmmmph... is that what this is all about? Why is this still in the news?
'bert: Senor Dickie... they have asked Senors Karl y Scooter to testify before the grand jury. There is talk one or both may be indicted...
Dickie: You dont know for sure? Does Fitzgerald know about this? I want you to speak to him directly and make sure he knows whats going on... Karl?
Rove: I dont recall...
Dickie: Scooter?
Libby: I had to give Judy a release from confidentiali...
Dickie: You what?!
Libby: I dont recall...
Dickie: 'bert! Where is Fitzgerald? Did you know Scooter release Miller?
'bert: He's not answering... Senorita Miller left prison daze ago...
Dickie: She's been released?! Sh*t! Why didnt anyone tell me!
'bert: Senor Dickie, its been on the news...
Dickie: FOX news?
'bert: I cant verify that, Senor Dickie, hold on... I think I got through...
Dickie: Ka-arrl?
Rove: I ... I dont recall...
'bert: Senor Dickie? Senor Fitzgerald says not to worry, you will find out everything tomorrow...
Dickie: Give me that phone... Fitzgerald, you see here... Fitzgerald? Fitzgerald? Damnit!
'bert: Is there aproblem Senor Dickie?
Dickie: No problemo, amigo. Scooter ... call Baltimore PD. Tell them there is "chatter" in Iraq and that there is a credible threat to the Baltimore Harbor Tunnel. Then call FOX and give them a "tip from a reliable source in the administration".
'bert: Should we contact Homeland Security?
Dickie: and what?... change the alert color from yellow to orange? Nobody listens to the alert colors anymore, New York has been orange since 911 and when they got a "credible tip" they didnt change it. May as well change the scheme to just green and red.
Scooter: Can I leave the bunker, yet?
Dickie: You answer for me Karl...
Rove: I... I dont recall...
'bert: Im going to meet Senor Jorge... Were going back to New Orleans. Can I get anything for you?
Dickie: Get a hold of Ollie and Liddy and see if they are still in the game... We may have work for them...

posted by flippityflopitty  # 12:08 PM 1 comments

Wolf Blitzer: Good afternoon and welcome to the Situation Room. Today we have via satellite from Stockholm, Sweden former vice president Al Gore, from Washington RNC spokeswoman Tracey Schmitt, here in the studio Rep. Nita Lowey (D) New York and from his home state of Vermont DNC Chairman Howard Dean. Welcome ... to ... the Situation Room.
Wolf: Mr. Vice President....
Gore: Just plain Al, now Wolf.
Wolf: You made some remarks today before the economic forum in Sweden, regarding President Bush's policies?
Gore: I have absolutely no plans and no expectations of being a candidate again.
Wolf: Yes, but regarding your remarks on Bush policies...
Gore: After Gore v. Bush in 2000, I needed a change... a "sabbatical" of sorts... so, Ive been doing the talk circuit thingy...
Wolf: ... and on Bush?
Gore: Well, Wolf, as you know I invented the internet... and President Bush has done nothing but bring more hate in the world, increase poverty, make the rich richer and promote routine torture.
Schmitt: Fictitious! More maniacal anger from the left!
Dean:
Lowey: Bird Flu! Bird Flu!
Wolf: Yes, Al, the GOP has suggested that the democratic party is without compass, adrift at sea so to speak, rowing feverishly without establishing a course...
Al: Wolf, since the internet, something Id like to point out I had a hand in, there is so much more disinformation, I think you are really falling prey to right-wing propaganda...
Schmitt: Illusory! More dudgeonous dribble from the party of the past!
Dean: ... ... Yehhhhhhhh!
Wolf: But Mr. Dean, hasnt the party lost its vision?
Dean: ... Yehhhhhh! .... Grass Roots, Yehhhhh!
Lowey: bir-ir-ir-ir-ir
Wolf: There is a growing grass roots movement, Tracey...
Schmitt: Fantasy! The repugnant, self-loathing left is nothing more than yesterday's news. An anathema, an inferior reflection of ... of its un-american ideals.
Lowey: ir-ird Flu!
Gore: Did I mention Im starting a cable network, Wolf?
Wolf: Well, err, no...
Gore: I did mention I have absolutely no plans and no expectations of being a candidate again?
Wolf: Yes... Yes... any thoughts on Senator Clinton...
Dean: Yehhhhhhh!
Gore: Im not going to make comments on any individual candidates... I think America is ready for a woman candidate. I personally have absolutely no plans and no expectations of being a candidate again.
Schmitt: She's a carpet-bagger, a hate-huckster! She has no intention of completing her term as senator and should not be running for senator unless she guarrantees she will complete her term!
Lowey: bu-bu-baarck
Wolf: Thats all the time we have from ... THE... Situation Room.

posted by flippityflopitty  # 3:33 PM 0 comments

Weekly Presidential Radio Address

... and I want the American people to know that your government feels your pain. Were working during every daylight hour to find new in-NO-VAY-tif ways to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Im asking every american to follow our lead in conserving energy - work during the day, take your Escalade to work instead of your hummer, ask your gardener to use a push mower and hand rakes instead of gas-powered devices, dont take unnecessary boating trips unless its for entertaining business associates.

Today, after the conclusion of significant scientific studies, the government is initiating the "paper for oil program". The government will be issuing one dollar bills to every household to burn instead of oil. Furthermore, we are implementing tax incentives to include tax credits for every New York Times, SF Chronicle and LA Times that is burned for fuel. EPA has informed us that the glossy pages of Science magazine and Nature do not release carcinogens when burned and we are putting together a similar tax credit program. Furthermore, biology, astronomy and geology textbooks as well as any literary works with authors names beginning with the letters "A" through "M" will be available for tax credits beginning in 2006.

But we are not stopping there. We have special "double tax credits" for specific works, err like err Darwins Origins err of Species and President Clinton's "My Life". You can get a full listing from Paper for Oil Program website. Thats P-O-P dot org.

'bert: Senor Dickie?
Dickie: Yes, 'bert.
'bert: Where did you find this guy?
Dickie: If you remember 'bert, he found me.
'bert: Yah... like Senor Reagan.

Harriet Miers

'bert: Senor Dickie, Senor Dickie!
Dickie: mmmmm, yes 'bert?
'bert: Senor Jorge has nominated scarry harry para el bench.
Dickie: para what? ingles, por favor.
'bert: Im spicking ingles. Jorge passed me up again. Whassup with that? Five years ago she was reading ping-pong balls at the Texas Bingo Commission.
Dickie: Patience, 'bert, patience.
'bert: Patience? Es finito, Senor Dickie. Senor Jorge was getting two slots and this es numero dos. What happened to f**king latino representation on the bench? He has a chiquita, he has del negro, and the rest are all gringos blancos.
Dickie: mmmmm, Ginsburg is far from a chiquita and Thomas is whiter than most.
'bert: At least Ginsburg has been around the block. She's married with ninos. I dont think Scarry even knows how to work the plumbing. I can be as good a white guy as her...
Dickie: mmmm, she has no baggage. For that matter she has no history. I ran a google search this morning and the only thing that came up was a first edition printing of "Harriet the Spy". A brilliant play by Karl.
'bert: Baggage. You mean "Gitmo Gonzalez"? El Toro de Torturo? Jihada Pinada? I see, I played the game, was el guerrero bueno and now I should just go and hide? On that subject, how es Senor Karl?
Dickie: mmmm, fine just fine. He and Scooter are sharing a room in the White House bunker.
'bert: Oooo, Senor Scooter - he no look too good dese days. I think maybe he eat too many chimichangas. He could use some sun, too. He looks like sheet.
Dickie: mmmmmm, in time, in time. Were holding that spot at the Carlyle Group for Blair and Scooter doesnt want to travel and he doesnt want to be a judge. He may just have to go back to Rand. i think we still have some available funding.
'bert: Any no-bid legal contracts coming up?
Dickie: Patience, 'bert, patience.